If you were to look, you would find me amongst the doubters.
Matthew 28:17: “When they saw him, the worshipped—but some of them DOUBTED!”
Mark 16:14: “Still later he appeared to the eleven disciples as they were eating together. He rebuked them for their STUBBORN UNBELIEF because they refused to believe those who had seen Him after he had been raised from the dead.”
Y’all, I am in good company.
The truth is that we live in a ‘not now’ rather than the reality of seen redemption.
As we move into a new season with so many changes, I have reasons to be anxious. Every reason to be afraid. Nothing is certain. Nothing.
Feelings cannot be rationalized away. Ask any toddler who is pitching a fit.
Yet He has given such peace. Everything might fall down around us. We might come to the end of our resources. We may fail. We may wind up with nothing left. I am not afraid.
Please hear me: this is not how I usually operate. There is so much at stake. Our children have had more transition than most children will know in a lifetime. We are entering a place where people do not need another family to come and then leave. Everything is tenuous and there is no safety net. I pride myself in being prepared, organized, independent, and circumspect, but I have failed in every respect.
If there is anything I have learned the past few years, it’s that it will be ok. Life might not look anything like what I want. It may be harder than I would ever have asked. I might weep more than I laugh. I am learning, slowly, slowly, that He is more than life. That He is better than life.
It is so easy to sing, “Better is one day in your house than thousands elsewhere.” Do I really think that? I don’t always feel it. However, lately this has been sinking into my bones.
When the fear for tomorrow robs me of sleep, when anxiety for the hearts of my children makes my own heart race, when failure and need are more real than success and plenty, that is when He gives grace.
I don’t need His grace until I have nothing left.
“A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked. For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, what joy for those who trust in You.” Psalm 84:10-12